The terrible mass shootings at two New Zealand mosques has been difficult to process. Though there certainly isn’t much to be laughing about, we’ve decided to publish our weekly roundup of the funniest tweets from women to give you a moment of levity.
Scroll through this week’s great tweets from women below. Then visit our Funniest Tweets From Women page for past roundups.
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
— jo diggity (@WhaJoTalkinBout) March 13, 2019
lol someone subtweeted me twice last summer and I took the high road instead of being petty and honestly I regret it
— ziwe (@ziwe) March 12, 2019
ok but what if what i love to do is to never work a day in my life
— Lane Moore is at SXSW like a cool teen (@hellolanemoore) March 11, 2019
I can be a bad bitch and a sad bitch it’s called multitasking
— lil shady (@jazminisok) March 13, 2019
A brief survey of my own text messages is making me wonder if I’m gonna talk like this forever. Like am I going to be 90 years old schlepping my walker around the nursing home & poking my head into friends rooms like “hello my good bitch, the edible you gave me was tight”
— Jia Tolentino (@jiatolentino) March 14, 2019
people who have their phone on military time: what do you have to prove
— kelly (@kelllicopter) March 14, 2019
I tried to do a split this morning in the classroom with the kids. I got halfway down and one of the little boys said “That’s enough Miss Shawn.” And he was right.
— That’s Enough, Miss Shawn. (@thepbg) March 13, 2019
At the end of the day, all I can hope for is that the therapists of the guys I’m dating see my side of the story
— Rachel Sennott (@Rachel_Sennott) March 11, 2019
are there any three words more efficiently humbling than “upper lip too?”
— Hannah Giorgis (@ethiopienne) March 12, 2019
crazy how if I spent even a tiny fraction of the time I’ve spent on webmd on studying my biochem textbook in college I could probably be a real doctor by now instead of just a crazy person self-diagnosing cancer at 2:00am
— Sweatpants Cher 🔶 (@House_Feminist) March 13, 2019
Now that we have a bunch of male presidential candidates it’s time to see if any of them are likeable.
— Kashana (@kashanacauley) March 14, 2019
7-eleven cashier asked what i was having for dinner and instead of saying ham sandwich i accidentally said “hlam” and then they just kept chanting “hlam sandwich” at me until i left the store
— Kristen Arnett (@Kristen_Arnett) March 14, 2019
yeah …… sex is great but ……. have u ever been able to spell mcconaughey right on the first try
— hunter harris (@hunteryharris) March 11, 2019
The most unrealistic thing about HGTV shows is that nobody ever uses a butter knife as a screwdriver.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) March 11, 2019
When people ask if I have kids, I find it’s easiest to just say “I don’t know.”
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) March 14, 2019
When I invite you over and say I’m cooking fusion, just know it means I’m combining leftover takeout.
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) March 12, 2019
Nobody wants to believe in astrology until they have a crush on someone
— clumsy art girl (@chrryboyhunter) March 12, 2019
my cute thing is I spend thousands of dollars on clothes & only ever wear one turtleneck from zara
— Alyssa Limperis (@alyssalimp) March 11, 2019
Statistics say 70% of men save the noise they should be making during sex for the gym.
— Gena-mour Barrett (@SmileGena) March 10, 2019