The ladies of Twitter never fail to brighten our days with their brilliant ― but succinct ― wisdom. Each week, HuffPost Women rounds up hilarious 280-character musings. To see this week’s great tweets from women, scroll through the list below. Then visit our Funniest Tweets From Women page for past roundups.
Afternoon me: Ooh, I can bake this salmon, do some potatoes, sautée some spinach and arugula. That’ll be good.
Evening me: *eats a sleeve of thin mints*
— Nichole ✨✨✨ (@tnwhiskeywoman) January 21, 2019
If I owe you an email, please find some comfort in the fact that my every waking hour is haunted by my debt to you
— Kate Aronoff (@KateAronoff) January 19, 2019
Is it possible to Marie Kondo too hard? Threw out everything. Got rid of my mom. I’m not wearing any pants. I’m cold. I don’t know where I am
— Charlene deGuzman (@charstarlene) January 19, 2019
Sitting in my high-backed chair, drinking tea with a thick blanket draped across my lap, like the vengeful recluse I plan to become during my twilight years.
— Julia Gulia (@JRobb773) January 21, 2019
half my friends hold me accountable for my bad behavior and half blame it on whatever the moon is doing which is the balance i need
— tiffany wines (@radioheadass) January 23, 2019
the thing i really like about showers is taking them but the thing i really hate about showers is getting into them and also getting out of them
— Kristen Arnett (@Kristen_Arnett) January 21, 2019
16 year old me: how do i finesse my way into this party
26 year old me: how do i finesse my way into antiques roadshow
— arabelle sicardi (@arabellesicardi) January 21, 2019
There is no point in attending an estate sale if you don’t desperately grasp an antique mirror, shout “Richard? Are you in there??” and then, hearing nothing, dejectedly cross the address off a list.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) January 20, 2019
America’s true national pastime is feeling vaguely disgusted by the New England Patriots.
— Kashana (@kashanacauley) January 21, 2019
some of you never paced in a blockbuster for 3 hours and it shows
— Alyssa Limperis (@alyssalimp) January 22, 2019
the only thing better than a new episode of housewives is a really old episode of housewives
— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) January 19, 2019
The government doesn’t want you to know this but mini oreos taste better than oreos
— Quinta. (@quintabrunson) January 20, 2019
there should be an anthology that comes out every year called NOW THAT’S WHAT I CALL WRITING
— Emily Gould (@EmilyGould) January 22, 2019
i want to be invited to a super bowl party where i can eat lots of chips n dip and then leave so i can be in bed by 8:30
— Taylor Trudon (@taylortrudon) January 24, 2019
The coffee shop is playing that one song from the To All the Boys hot tub scene and yet there is no Peter Kavinsky in my vicinity, I would like to speak to the manager
— Ella Cerón (@ellaceron) January 19, 2019
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) January 24, 2019
It’s raining in LA and truly I want a refund on my plane ticket, my house and my office. I did not come here for this behaviour.
— Lilly Singh (@IISuperwomanII) January 17, 2019
DATE: did you really expect it to be four hours of wolves dancing?
ME: *arms crossed* don’t talk to me
— Jill la Jill (@JillianKarger) January 21, 2019